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SAMPLE SONGS
Song Sample 1: "Perfectly Perfect Kids"
[from The Mikado: "IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO WE ARE"]
MEN
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO WE ARE?
WE'RE COMPETITORS OF JAPAN
AT A SCHOOL FOR THE SUPERSTAR
GIFTED STUDENT AMERICAN
WE'RE PERFECTLY PERFECT YOUTH
WE'RE FABULOUS, THAT'S THE TRUTH
WE'RE NOT GONNA BE UNCOUTH
ALL
NO!
WOMEN
YES, WE ALL GET A PERFECT GRADE
AND WE ALL GET A PERFECT SCORE
THAT'S WHY PRITI-NU SCHOOL WAS MADE
THAT'S WHAT PRITI-NU SCHOOL IS FOR
WE'RE ETHIC'LY FINEST YOUNG
WE'RE MORALLY HIGHEST RUNG
WE'RE NOT GONNA PIERCE OUR TONGUE
ALL
NO! NO! NO BOOM BOXES OR TATTOOS
WE'RE SUPERLATIVE SUPERTEENS
WE'RE SUPERIOR, WE'RE SUBLIME
NO RAP, NO GRUNGE, NO HIP-HOP SONGS
NO BELLY, BELLY, BELLY, BELLY, BELLY, BELLY, BELLY
BUTTONS HAVE RINGS
NO! NO! NO! NO!
WE'RE PERFECTLY PERFECT ALL THE TIME
Song Sample 2: "The Worst Nightmare"
[from The Mikado: "THE CRIMINAL CRIED AS HE DROPP'D HIM DOWN"]
KO-JO
YES, COLLEGE ADMISSION'S A GRUESOME FEAR
A STUDENT'S WORST NIGHTMARE
IT'S A HORRIBLE PART OF SENIOR YEAR
A TIME OF DARK DESPAIR
(ALL scream.)
YOUR DREAD BEGINS
WHEN THE HEADSMAN GRINS
(HEADSMAN enters, with a giant sword,
circling around LIZ-LIZ.)
AND SAYS THAT YOUR OX IS GORED
RIGHT OVER YOUR HEAD
WITH BLOOD DRIPPING RED
HE HOLDS A SHINY SWORD
CHORUS
A TERRIBLE SWORD
(LIZ-LIZ puts her head on a chopping block,
as HEADSMAN hovers over her, sword raised.)
KO-JO
THEN YOU BARE YOUR NECK
AND HIT THE DECK
WHILE TREMBLING ON YOUR KNEES
OH, WOE IS YOU
THEY'RE PUTTING YOU THROUGH
THE DREADFUL S.A.T.'S
(HEADSMAN flips the sword to reveal "S.A.T.s.")
CHORUS
NO PLAGUE OUTSTRIPS
THE DOOM THAT GRIPS
THIS SWORD OF DAMOCLES
WE CRINGE WITH FEAR
WHEN TIME DRAWS NEAR
TO TAKE THE S.A.T.'S
ZOOBA
THIS TEST WILL DECIDE WHAT YOU'LL BECOME
AND WHAT JOB YOU WILL HOLD FOR LIFE
A BRAND IS APPLIED, YOU'RE SMART OR DUMB
IT CUTS YOU LIKE A KNIFE
IF YOU TAKE A BATH
ON VERBAL OR MATH
AND PROBLEMS THAT TURN YOU GREEN
THEN WHO SHOULD APPEAR
BUT THE DEMON YOU FEAR
A COLLEGE ADMISSIONS DEAN
(GHOST enters, and sneaks up on LIZ-LIZ.)
CHORUS
SHE'S SO GHASTLY AND MEAN
(GHOST reveals a noose.)
ZOOBA
AS YOU FILL IN HER BLANKS
WITH EXACT CLASS RANKS
YOU SCRIBBLE TO LET HER SEE
IN FIVE HUNDRED WORDS
DIVIDED IN THIRDS
YOUR AUTOBIOGRAPHY
(LIZ-LIZ mounts a scaffold and puts
her head in GHOST's noose.)
CHORUS
IT'S SUCH A SHAME
THE BIGGEST GAME
OF SENIOR YEAR, THEY SAY
IS HAVING TO FOIST
ON SCHOOLS OF OUR CHOICE
A PADDED RESUMÉ
(FRANKENSTEIN and DRACULA enter,
with a guillotine blade.)
SQUUSH
THEN FRANKENSTEIN AND DRACULA
A COUPLE OF RICH ALUMS
MAKE FUN OF YOUR GRADE IN CALCULUS
WHILE SCREWING DOWN YOUR THUMBS
WITH A SINISTER SMILE
THEY MAIL OFF YOUR FILE
TO THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS DEAN
WHO READS IT ALL THROUGH
IN A MINUTE OR TWO
WITH YOUR NECK ON THE GUILLOTINE
(LIZ-LIZ puts her head under the blade.)
CHORUS
WHAT A HORRIBLE SCENE
SQUUSH
SO TIGHT THEIR NOOSE
YOU CAN'T GET LOOSE
YOU'RE DANGLING FROM THEIR ROPE
KO-JO
WHILE YOU'RE TURNING PALE
THEY'LL PUT IN THE MAIL
THE EVIL ENVELOPE
(GHOST pulls out an envelope. ALL scream.)
CHORUS
YOU'RE HOPING THAT
THE ENVELOPE'S FAT
WITH POSITIVE NEWS WITHIN
KO-JO
BUT LIFE ISN'T FAIR
ZOOBA
WHAT AN AWFUL NIGHTMARE
SQUUSH
IF YOURS IS EXTREMELY THIN!
CHORUS
IF YOUR ENVELOPE'S, ENVELOPE'S, ENVELOPE'S THIN
YOU WON'T GET IN
(GHOST gives the thin envelope to LIZ-LIZ,
who sobs uncontrollably.)
Song Sample 3: "We Are Not Your S.U.V."
[from The Mikado: "SEE HOW THE FATES THEIR GIFTS ALLOT"]
LIZ-LIZ / PITSI / SQUUSH / KO-JO
WE'D LIKE TO SHOW THE WORLD WE'RE NOT
SO VERY PERFECT
THANKS A LOT
WE'RE NOT WHAT WE'VE BEEN TAUGHT TO BE
AS PERFECT AS A SHINY NEW S.U.V.
OBJECTS OF FINEST QUALITY
RE-ENGINEERED FOR LUXURY
WE'RE NOT LIKE CAMPERS
HAPPY CAMPERS
HAPPY, HA HA
SAPPY, HA HA (OR: SNAPPY, HA HA HA
PRETTY CRAPPY, HA HA HA PRETTY SAPPY, HA HA HA)
IF WE EVER GET A "C"
TO OUR PARENTS, THAT WOULD BE
LIKE THEIR WORST CATASTROPHE
A DENT IN THEIR JEEP CHEROKEE
WE'RE LIKE THE CARS ON A NEW CAR LOT
SOME COME EQUIPPED
SOME DO NOT
SOME HAVE A HEFTY STICKER PRICE
AND SOME MIGHT NOT BE PERFECT, BUT STILL WORK NICE
CHILL, EV'RYBODY
COOL AS ICE
WE'LL DENT THEIR NEW JEEPS ONCE OR TWICE
(BRILLIANTUS runs the bubble tests through the Scan-a-Tron.)
WE'LL RUN IT OVER
YOUR LAND ROVER
FENDER, HA HA
BENDER, HA HA
NO SURRENDER, HA HA HA
WE ARE NOT AN S.U.V.
NOT LIKE YOUR JEEP CHEROKEE
IF WE'RE DENTED, TOUGH, 'CUZ WE
COME WITHOUT A WARRANTEE
(The Scan-a-Tron flashes green.)
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