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SAMPLE SKETCHES
Script Sample 1: "Sub-Zero Intolerance"
FRANKIE-WHO
You've never lost a game?
BRILLIANTUS
Not once.
SQUUSH
Priti-Nu teams have never even been behind.
FRANKIE-WHO
Must be a dangerous place for visiting teams.
SQUUSH
Dangerous? Oh, don't say that.
(Chimes sound.)
SCHOOL LOUDSPEAKER
Please pardon the interruption. The Priti-Nu narcs wish to remind
all students that our drug-sniffing dogs are trained to be gentle,
but please do not feed them by hand. Thank you.
FRANKIE-WHO
Dogs?
SQUUSH
We also have metal detectors, bar-coded pass cards, full-body
cavity searches, and, oh yes, security cameras. Like the one
up there, and there, and there, and….
(sound of fwap-fwap-fwap)
FRANKIE-WHO
What's that?
SQUUSH
Helicopters.
FRANKIE-WHO
Did somebody smuggle in a gun?
(Chimes. SQUUSH covers FRANKIE-WHO's mouth.)
SCHOOL LOUDSPEAKER
Please pardon the interruption. Prepare to DIE! DIE! DIE!
DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!
(Buzzer sounds, lights flash, sirens wail. BOYS hit the ground.
SQUUSH yanks FRANKIE-WHO to the ground.)
SQUUSH
Gummmmm! He didn't say gunnnnn, he said gummmmm!
SCHOOL LOUDSPEAKER
Thank you.
(ALL get up.)
FRANKIE-WHO
Zero tolerance?
BRILLIANTUS
Sub-zero in-tolerance….
SQUUSH
Last week, we expelled a Nubee who uncoiled a paper clip,
just to make a point.
Script Sample 2: "Chick Clique and Guy Gang"
CHICK CLIQUE
(in unison) Hi…. We're the chick clique.
FRANKIE-WHO
What do you have to be to join? Other than a chick?
CHICK CLIQUE
(in unison) An independent thinker.
FRANKIE-WHO
So everybody's different?
CHICK CLIQUE
(in unison) Totally.
FRANKIE-WHO
What do you like?
CHICK CLIQUE
(in unison) Boy bands.
(CHICK CLIQUE does a boys' band dance step.)
FRANKIE-WHO
What don't you like?
CHICK CLIQUE
(in unison) Kat-tis-cla!
SCHOOL LOUDSPEAKER
Class will begin in four hundred and sixty-five… nanoseconds.
Which means…
(Loud bell rings.
Now!
(CHICK CLIQUE moves around, like a school of fish, except for
CYTLWNH, who walks up to FRANKIE-WHO.)
CYTLWNH
(to FRANKIE-WHO) The name's Kate-lin. Here's my card.
(CYTLWNH hands a card to Frankie-Who.)
FRANKIE-WHO
(looking at card) Spelled C - Y - T - L - W - N?
CYTLWNH
(rapidly) C-Y-T-L-W-N-H! Don't forget the silent H.
FRANKIE-WHO
Where'd you get a name like that?
CYTLWNH
From baby-names dot com. It's a domain name, and trademarked,
so nobody else can ever use it.
FRANKIE-WHO
Or spell it.
(MEN'S CHORUS walks over to FRANKIE-WHO.)
GUY GANG
(in unison) Hi. We're the guy gang.
FRANKIE-WHO
Yo. Wussup?
GUY GANG
(in unison) What are you doing?
FRANKIE-WHO
I mean, like, you know, what do you like to do when you're
just, you know, chillin'?
CYTLWNH
(in unison) Two things.
FRANKIE-WHO
Sports and girls?
GUY GANG
(in unison) Classical philosophy and modern dance.
CYTLWNH
(whispering to FRANKIE-WHO) One percent of the time.
FRANKIE-WHO
(to CYTLWNH) The other ninety-nine percent?
CYTLWNH
(whispering to FRANKIE-WHO) Sports and girls.
Script Sample 3: "The Bubble Test"
FRANKIE-WHO
If you're all that good, then how come don't you play
games or put on shows?
BRILLIANTUS
Because we're always taking the bubble test.
FRANKIE-WHO
Bubble test?
CYTLWNH
It's the latest thing in education reform. The State Bubble
Commission boils all knowledge down into multiple choice. A, B, C,
or D. Four choices, four bubbles. We have to fill in the right one.
BRILLIANTUS
We're perfect at it.
FRANKIE-WHO
So what?
BOOPEE
The bubble test hypsometrically elevates our propagators' scrupulosities.
CYTLWNH
It promotes our parents' values.
FRANKIE-WHO
Which value? Goodness? Rectitude? Honesty? Duty? Scholarship?
Wisdom? Truth?
CHICK CLIQUE
(in unison) No way.
FRANKIE-WHO
Then what values does the bubble test promote?
CHICK CLIQUE
(in unison) Real estate values.
CYTLWNH
Thanks to Priti-Nu's perfect scores on the bubble test, houses around
here are worth a fortune.
(Bell rings. KO-JO returns.)
ZOOBA
Bubble drill! Pencils!
(SQUUSH hands out pencils.)
Bubble sheets!
(KO-JO hands out bubble sheets.)
Boopee, you're on.
BOOPEE
Time to matriculate on strategems for plenishing a circular void.
CYTLWNH
Learn how to fill out bubbles.
BOOPEE
Use an aciculated pencil, with a lancilated point,…
and a virginal eraser.
CHICK CLIQUE
(in unison) Aciculated pencil. Lancilated point. Virginal eraser.
BOOPEE
Put your globular pointillism scrupulously and meticulously
within the circularity.
CYTLWNH
Put a dot in the bubble.
ZOOBA
Practice questions.
BRILLIANTUS
What is the negative polynomial of the quadratic exponential of the
log of one minus X over the third derivative of Y to the inverse of Q?
PITSI
(half-dozing) A, A,… A.
ZOOBA
Correct.
CHICK CLIQUE
(in unison) Dot in the A bubble.
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